Welcome to my diary!

Hiya, and welcome to my diary, a cozy text home for my musings to live in! Here i'll document my daily life and tangential ramblings. Thanks for reading..!

  Dream Journal

Wednesday 04.27.2022

Hiya traveler, im back..! It's been almost four months since i last made an entry... I cant help but feel a bit regretful, but i never stopped thinking about this site, and Im excited to work on it more over the summer. to explain my absence, i got very caught up with school. I attend a very intensive animation college that requires students to produce a short animated film every year. students will produce longer and more complex films as their educations progress... im happy to say that I finished my film! It will be embedded below. please consider watching it! I already mused a bit about my feelings towards my film in the description, but I found the experience of producing it to be an invaluable learning experience like no other. Im already beginning to conceptualize my second year film, and im very excited to learn and improve even more T__T
If youre curious as to what my life has been like in these past few months, every day was identical to the last. I'd wake up at an odd hour of the day, take a walk, and then work on my film in our school computer lab until 3am. Maybe i'll write in a few entries for a few nice days i had at the beginning of the semester! Now that i'm done with my first year film, i have a lot of plans for this personal site. i have a handful of pages centerred around my current interests planned, and i might change the layout to a couple pages for fun! i need to update my site with my recent artwork, too. I'm excited!
Here is my first year film, Muse. I hope you'll enjoy it, if you have any thoughts about it feel free to reach out to me through the contacts listed on my about page! :]

Friday 01.07.2022

Hi traveler, i hope the new year is treating you well! ive been relaxing at home, enjoying free time and hanging out with my loved ones. im still busy and need to catch up on work however, though i really really need to kick myself and make some time to add a page or two to my site. ive been watching the anime "Girl's Last Tour" which is really up my ally. its quiet, introspective, atmospheric... but still heartwarming and has cute girls exploring a mysterious post-apocalyptic world. i really adore it. i also got a haircut, i got a mullet/wolfcut which looks really nice on me and i adore it. i wish i had this haircut all my life... i think i look super cute, maybe ill add a picture but im still debating wether or not i should show pictures of my face here.
on the topic of being home, i was surprisingly not very emotionally spurred at the sight of my room and home. i havent been home for three months, and yet seeing my previous surroundings again for the first time in a while just felt normal. i guess ive been familiar with my home for 18 years now, so returning home just feels like picking up where i left off. like the past three months spent on the coast were a strange dream that ive awoken from. it feels like no time has passed at all, which is a weird feeling. sometimes ill see things i brought home from my dorm, and seeing it sit in the setting of my childhood bedroom makes it seem out of place, and almost otherworldly. i always hated the small, uneventful city i lived in. but now i find it quite cozy. I know all the best food places here, and im friends with all the people who work there. the community is small but people are still kind, and its obvious they love our town. and i love my friends. ive made such happy memories, cafe sketching and going to the arcade with my friends, spending the day playing video games at my best friend's cozy apartment..

Saturday 12.25.2021

Todays Christmas!!!!!!!!! Today my college friends and I got on discord to exchange drawings we made for eachother for a secret santa. One of my friends made me a lovely illustration of my favorite NieR character, 9S! We then spent some hours playing gartic phone and amongus... afterwards I went to see lights with my family and exchange gifts. I think my family must've missed me a lot while i was away at college because everyone gave me very thoughtful gifts... i received some beautiful gansai paints i've been coveting for years, as well as artbooks for the NieR series and Yoshitomo Nara's LACMA exhibit. i fixed myself a cup of hot choco and flipped through the Nara artbook. It's such a beautiful artbook.... I'm particularly really excited that it has professional photos of my favorite Nara installation, his "Drawing Room". It has high quality close ups of all the details of the installation, as well as scans of all his sketches and drawings. I couldnt be happier to have a beautiful book of all his works. I'm editing my site now, and I think I'm gonna go play BOTW or something. Christmas rules.

Monday 12.20.2021

Yesterday I went on my flight home for winter break. (took a train, then a bus, then several flights...) Today I decided to surprise my friends at our weekly cafe sketch. I already told my best friend I was coming home since i was excited, but the rest of my friends assumed id return at a later date. When I walked into the cafe I think like 5 people gave me the biggest hugs. Seeing everyone so excited to see me really made my day, and i couldnt help but smile the entire time cause it's been about three months since i last saw my wonderful friends. I gave everyone my christmas presents for them and we sat and drew. Since my best friend knew i was coming, he brought Christmas gifts for me too. He got me the cutest Rilakkuma purse (it looks like a big piece of toast with a tiny rilakkuma plush tucked into it) and the exclusive Rilakkuma fanclub plush..! I got him a giant Koguma plush and other rilakkuma paraphenelia. Afterwards me and him went to the local arcade to play rhythm games. I really missed all my friends, theyre the kindest and funnest people ive ever met and I couldnt be happier to be hanging out with them again.

Saturday 12.18.2021

Today my friends and I took a train to LACMA to visit the Yoshitomo Nara exhibition.
This is my second time visiting it, and also my last, since the exhibition ends while I'm at home on winter break. It's one of my favorite galleries ive ever experienced, the first time I visited it I felt very emotionally drawn to Nara's work... I probably spent like 20 minutes standing in front of his "Drawing Room" installation, peaking into each of the windows and soaking in all the details of the room. Today was no different, I took dozens of pictures of the drawing room from all sorts of angles since its likely the last time I'll ever see it in person. While doing so, the song that had played when I first saw the installation started playing again. I felt very enchanted... its a very beautiful song that when accompanied with the room full of Nara's artwork, created a very unique feeling. I found out the song is "Voyage of The Moon", specifically a cover of it by Mary Hopkin. I perused the rest of the exhibit too, and took lots of pictures. I had more time to stand in front of his larger acrylic portraits and let my eyes adjust to all the layers and hues. I had a great time. I got a print from him from the gift shop and afterwards my friends and I got lunch at my favorite sushi place. I took a nap on the trainride home, and spent the rest of the night with my friends and classmates, who were having dinner in our dorm.

Tuesday 12.07.2021

For the past few days ive been perusing online clothing shops and secondhand sites and whatnot. ive been saving up for a particular dress, and have been feeling pretty determined to start dressing in a way thats less plain... I like the way I dress, if i had to describe my style id describe it as cozy. I want to dress in a way that invokes a feeling of comfort, i guess. I strictly wear earth tones and my wardrobe consists of things like high waisted plaid pants, comfy oversized sweaters, cropped cardigans... my personal style makes me happy but recently ive been feeling pretty emboldened to change up my style and save up money for the ocassional nice piece. I think I'd like to start subscribing to jfashion styles like otome-kei. I dont know why I can't bring myself to buy clothes that aren't earth-toned though. I see a lot of nice dresses in pinks and purples that I adore but somehow it just doesnt feel like me... Its really silly how im limiting myself to a particular palette and style but making sure I abide by it makes my life feel nice and organized, if that makes any sense.

Saturday 12.04.2021

Today I spent nearly the entirety of my day in the school computer lab, working on my friends' and i's 48 hour film project. I ended up finishing storyboarding the film and drafting some creature designs. During a break, my friends and I decided to search the campus for the item we had missed in yesterday's scavenger hunt. We were told about an approximate area where it was located, so we headed over there. We wandered into the ceramics area of our school, which I find to have a very unique energy to it. The area is very colorful and decorated with ceramics projects and whatnot. Theres little studios for each of the masters students, each with a personalized door. That and the layout of the area makes me imagine it as a small, cramped neighborhood full of apartments. We found the missing item tucked away on the back of a door facing another door that led outside.. We found a nearby staircase and starting climbing it, thinking it would take us back to our area in the building. Instead, we found that it was a very tower-like structure, with the stairs becoming more and more narrow and diverged from the wall as you neared the top. The walls were decorated with grafitti, depicting eyes and jellyfish and strange characters in various primary colors. The door at the very top was padlocked, but through the gaps you could see bits of sky peaking through, since the door lead to the rooftop. In fact all the doors were padlocked, so it was just a staircase that lead nowhere. I'll attach some pictures below, maybe it looks boring but I was pretty stoked to stumble across it. Our campus is an artschool built in the 60s, so all the grafitti lining the walls was fun to pass by as I climbed the stairs. Anyways, we got back to work. We had a dinner break where we ordered poke (and I briefly attended my friend's birthday party, she really liked the gift my roomie and I picked for her!) After a long day of sitting at a desk I decided to head back to my dorm, eat some snacks and watch anime.

Friday 12.03.2021

It's friday! I had some leftover soup and did all my online classes in my dorm, as well as finished up some commissions. My room mate and I decided to take a shuttle down town, since we've been trapped on campus working on our final projects for the past week or two. We took a small walk around campus while waiting for the shuttle to arrive, and paced around our school's tennis court. The sun was beginning to set so the lighting was warm and vibrant, and the tennis court was filled with chalk drawings. After we got off the shuttle, we went to the bakery first. I stocked up on some breads and bought a strawberry milk tea. We walked around the surrounding shops and mall, keeping an eye out for a possible birthday present for our friend. We ended up getting her a yellow plush tiger. We walked to a sushi resturaunt for dinner before heading home. There was a theme-drawing at my school for the upcoming 48 hour film event. Part of the theme drawing was a scavenger hunt, where we split up into groups and had an hour to run around the school and find all the items. The items were all tucked away in super hidden, almost inaccessible areas of our building. So we ended up being led to very eerie, liminal places where we would'nt find ourselves at otherwise. A closet under a staircase, dark and narrow hallways that lead nowhere, empty offices... it was actually a very fun adventure, and my friends and I had a good time exploring the more obscure areas of our campus. We found all the items but one, and ended up winning second place. The theme drawn this year was "princess". My friends and I headed to the computer lab where we listened to music and began brainstorming our film. Afterwards, I walked back to my dorm and promptly fell asleep.

Wednesday 12.01.2021

I notice I tend to record a lot of my daily life here, but don't write too many introspective musings. I'm an introspective person, so here's a few jumbled thoughts of mine having to do with my art.
Today i stumbled across a job listing for a nearby animation studio. The description for the artist they were looking for seemed to perfectly align with not only my personal tastes as an artist, but my somewhat niche strengths as well. like seriously, the description was just straight up describing my work to the last detail. Upon reading it, I was pretty excited because this seemed like a perfect oppurtunity for me to get my foot in the door. it sounded like a job that i could not only do well, but also do naturally, if that makes any sense... I emailed one of my teachers about it and talked to some people and a lot of them discouraged me from working and taking on school work at the same time. i've seen people at my school do amazing industry work while somehow still attending school, but i worry too that it will be too much for me to handle. I wouldn't want to end up creating anything subpar.
speaking of which I've been pretty insecure about my thesis film this year. i only ever feel excited to work on it when i get new ideas for it, but that excitement fizzles up pretty fast. I ask tons of people for input on my storyboards and receive lots of critique, but whenever I sit down to revise my boards i just feel uninspired and then feel uncertain about what to change. (if anyone would like to critique my boards, my contact info is in my about page...) Honestly when it comes to art in general, i feel like my creative well has dried up and I don't resonate with art in the same way anymore. I used to work on tons of my own little animated projects and shorts, comics and stories and whatnot.. i'd spend forever daydreaming about my work, my characters, my plans. I used to play DnD weekly with my friends and draw our little party extensively as I anticipated our next session.
In general, my life is a bit devoid of everyday joy now that i've moved away from home. I just work all day, feel no attachment to the art I make, and then come home and waste my time away. If there's not some sort of game I can fixate on or a show I can distract myself with, I start to feel a bit empty. Occasionally my friend and I will discuss our ocs that we've had since childhood, and I will become creatively invigorated again and start producing art and writings like crazy. But then schoolwork and the priorities of life will pull me away again, and I'll have trouble feeling inspired.
If youre reading this, dont worry for me. despite how it sounds I'm not sad or melancholy at all. Past me would probably be super anguished by my current predicament, but now that I'm older it's hard for me to feel any urgency in things like this. And actually, I do still feel excited about one creative project. That being Cloverbell, the site youre browsing right now... I haven't felt so excited to work on anything in a long time. I often catch myself daydreaming extensively about the sort of pages I want to add here, the layouts I'll make, the HTML i want to learn... I love making assets for Cloverbell in my free time, and I love sitting down at the end of the day to write in my virtual diary or update my page with new art. And plus, my friend group that im a part of at art school has started a weekly DnD campaign, so I'm excited for that. I never thought I'd get into my all time dream art school, miles away from home, surrounded by the most talented peers and even some art idols, as well as seasoned working professionals, and yet feel no inspiration for my animation work. Rather, I feel most excited for a coding project... But it makes me happy, so I'm definitely not complaining. Hopefully I'll grow more attached to my work as I settle into the workflow... Sorry for the super long and rambly diary entry today, but it felt good to get off my chest. feel free to comment on my guest book or shoot me a message if youre dealing with something similar, have any advice, or just something to say!

Tuesday 11.30.2021

I overslept my CG class again today... ive been feeling a bit unwell since last night, though its been an on and off thing for about a week. its probably got to do with how im not eating right or sleeping enough. im sorta bad at taking care of myself haha. my room mate made me some ginger tea, and cooked me some really delicious potato soup and bread... after a delicious meal and a bit of rest i felt a lot better. i'm really thankful for her! im ending the night with another nice cup of hot choco. if youre reading through my diary entries, youve probably noticed im a big fan of hot chocolate. Theres few things more comforting than fixing yourself a cup of hot cocoa after a chilly winter day!

Sunday 11.28.2021

Today I had a strange day. I woke up at around noon, but fell asleep again and ended up having a long, vivid dream. I ended up waking up at like 1:30... I left my dorm at around 3 and had a meal by the cliff overlooking some far-off mountains on my campus. The cafeteria has been closed for the past week for thanksgiving, and the food they had when i got there today was obviously several days old.... I did some homework, then went back to my dorm to do more homework, then went to the computer lab to do more homework... I got a meal delivered to me that was way too expensive for the fact that I could not physically finish it. Due to my frugal nature, I felt pretty bad about having to throw it away. And I still had more homework to do... Needless to say, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I emailed my teacher asking for an extension and went home to play through Emil's Memories in NieR Automata. My roomie had come home and brought me some souveniers and snacks, so I was pretty happy! I ended the night with a nice hot cup of hot choco, snuggling up under my blankets in my favorite sweater and updating my site with some new art. I feel a lot better now... Knowing I have Cloverbell, a comforting place of my own that I can retreat to at any moment makes me feel at ease.

Saturday 11.27.2021

Over the past week or so I've been on fall break, so i finally had time away from the mountains of schoolwork for the first time... i spent a lot of time ruining my sleep schedule, drawing things for myself, watching stuff with my friends, doing commissions, and lazing around. My room mate was also traveling this week, I miss her company but I havent been alone in months so it was very nice as well. My friends and i watched Arcane (which was very good by the way), during Thanksgiving I couldnt get any food delivered so my friends and i ended up making instant noodles... We played Dungeons and Dragons together, which was super fun, I really missed playing DnD. Today my friends and I walked to the nearby shopping center and had some sushi, and did some grocery shopping. Class will start again next week so I have to start doing homework now... I'm already pretty exhausted, I can't imagine what state I'll be in when i have to dedicate my entire spring semester to making my thesis film... (on top of completing schoolwork). I'm an optimistic person though, so I'm sure I'll be fine, although a little tired. Once I get some work done I'm hoping to spend more time adding to Cloverbell, I'm planning to add a page about watercolors shortly.

Thursday 11.18.2021

Today i had figure drawing classes. i took a long nap and then spent a long time in the computer labs doing my animation homework... i kinda struggled but i think it looks alright so far. my friend gave me a ramune marble. i always wanted one, i just was never brave enough to break a ramune bottle open! after i turned in my assignment i went back to my dorm and cooked some instant noodles, but my brain was sorta fried from homework so i messed up the noodles.... i ended up just covering it in kewpie and sriracha. i watched the first episode of princess tutu, which i remember really liking as a kid. its super charming so far! my friends and i went outside to watch the lunar eclipse. we sat at a cliff at the edge of our campus, under the stars, and had popcorn and hot chocolate. the moon at it's totality was super red and looked like a giant meatball in the sky. heres a picture courtesy of my friend, Ares.

Wednesday 11.17.2021

Today I overslept and was late to class. After that class, I went back to dorm to take a nap. ....I ended up oversleeping and being late to my NEXT class.
My roomie, our friend, and I walked to the grocery store and got some boba on the way. I got wintermelon milk tea again. On our way back we got some pizza. I was able to add my art page to Cloverbell today. It's simple, but i think its my favorite page ive made so far! when i get more free time i'll update it with my old art, and of course post any new art i make as well. I think I'd like to make more pages related to art, like maybe a watercolor page for my thoughts and tips on various paints or a sketchbook page for flipthroughs of my sketchbooks. I'd like to maybe make art for some neocities users... A lot of people here have cute characters! As i'm writing this its 1:42 am, so technically a thursday. i better get some sleep so im not late for my classes again!

Tuesday 11.16.2021

I finally got my diary up and running, so this is my first diary entry!
I coded my about page yesterday, and spent my free time today doing my diary... I'm not super good at HTML yet, but learning it for the past few weeks has been super fun. Today I mostly went to class. At lunch my friends and I gave our friend their birthday present. After classes were over my room mate and I walked to the nearby boba place. I had some wintermelon milk tea and played a bit of Animal Crossing New Horizons.
My room mate cooked a really good curry meal, and after some homework I decided to sit down and work on my diary page for a bit. I made myself some hot choco in my mug that looks like a giant mushroom. The marshmallows are melting too fast for me to eat! As of now i'm sipping on some hot cocoa and listening to the yume nikki OST. Needless to say, i'm feeling pretty content!