꒰ Sunday 03.10.24꒱

content warning: this entry contains ramblings about self esteem and briefly mentions passive suicidal ideation

As i'm writing this, I'm sitting at my desk, incoherent from sleep deprivation (its daylight savings), sipping a milk coffee that I bought to hopefully wake me up. I don't really have a topic in mind I want to discuss for this entry, I just want to ramble mindlessly....

I've been full of more self loathing than usual. My self esteem has always been bad but I've always coped with my feelings of inadequacy by pushing them to the back of my mind as best as I can. Right now i'm under a lot of stress so it's hard for me to ignore my perceived shortcomings like I usually would. I'm really hard on myself. This past year I started experiencing passive suicidal ideation. I always knew I had self esteem and mental health problems but for the longest time I prided myself in my ability to reign myself in and never letting it get too bad. I realize now what I had been doing instead was ignoring my problems, never addressing them and leaving them to fester. I thought if I didn't think about it then it wasn't real, LOL. Out of sight out of mind, essentially. My therapist told me my primary method of coping seems to be distraction. It makes a lot of sense now. I'm always distracted, seeking escapism, even my creative work centers around themes of escapism...

Well, I'm glad I realize that now. I've neglected my feelings quite a bit.... I'm sorry to myself for being so mean and neglectful. I'll try my hardest to inch my way towards a kinder, more patient self...

What's important is that I'm doing my best and that I'm alive. It helps a lot when I remind myself that I'm alive and that's enough. Being alive is so awesome, and I'm doing it right now! Something that stands out to me is that I'm actually doing better than I ever have in terms of achieving my goals, and somehow I still have it in me to hate myself?! I'm in a good place career-wise, I'm working hard every day on my student project, I make time to dress up and feel pretty, eat well and sleep well... I know I'm doing my best but it never feels like enough. I always find an excuse to punish myself. Nothing recreational I do feels deserved, so I'm hardly ever relaxed.

Ive been reflecting on why I came to art school and why I wanted to become an artist. Of course its cause I like drawing, but besides that I think my reasonings can be seperated into two phrases:

A. I want to see how far I can go with my art
B. I want to hate myself less

For motivation A, I've never really had clear goals for my art. I've only really had vague dreams that I'm not sure will ever become a reality, but I'm curious to see if it will pan out. I've always loved drawing and wondered how far it could take me. I'm still shocked it managed to carry me so far. (though sometimes i take it for granted or think its all a fluke) I don't think I've ever chased my dreams, I think i've kinda just tentatively stumbled into my dreams.

For motivation B, I thought if I could achieve things I could only dream about it would mean I'd have objective proof that I am skilled, hardworking, and that I have worth. And once I'm confronted with this hard evidence, it would give me reason to believe in myself a little more and hate myself a little less. This is only half true. After achieving big accomplishments I do feel good about myself, but it's only a matter of time before I mentally raise the bar and go back to feeling inadequate. Turns out if I want to like myself I need to start liking... myself.. and not just the things I can achieve.

As I'm writing this ending paragraph, my body is jittery all over because I finished drinking my coffee. It felt good getting my recent thoughts all into words. Please don't worry about me or anything! Like I said, I'm doing my best and I'm alive. I'm getting therapy and have lots of wonderful friends and family I'm comfortable being vulnerable with who are always there for me. Since I have a hard time acknowledging my feelings I wanted to sort them out through writing and I also like feeling as though I'm not writing to nobody.

Sorry for the downer of an entry. I know I've vented on my site's diary before but I still feel the need to apologize because it feels like such a contrast to the cozy cute atmosphere my site's design conveys lol! It's not all bad! I know I will get better and become a kinder me. One day I can go back and read this and acknowledge how much I've grown. I have a hard time recognizing my own improvement, so it's good to have reminders. I'm gonna go bike to school and resume work on my project now. Tonight I'm gonna enjoy some tteokbokki leftovers I have waiting for me in the fridge. I'm gonna take a long shower and sleep a lot.