꒰ Monday 02.19.43 ꒱

Hello diary and diary readers. As you can see by the gap of time in the little diary side navigator, I have been gone for some time! If youve been following my site from its conception you'll know I typically disappear around November-December and reappear in the summer. That is because I go to an intensive animation school where students produce their own animated film every year, and as the deadline draws closer I feel an immense amount of guilt every time I indulge in an activity that is not working on my film or portfolio. You'd think this means I am a very hardworking and productive student, but no, I mostly end up paralyzed at my desk staring blankly at the ceiling.

So i do have backlogged diary entries for the months I have been missing, and I intend to upload them.. eventually. Ive basically been telling myself: you cant make any new diary entries until you upload your backlogged ones! But this only results in me updating less and less, so I'm going to try my best to start updating frequently again, the backlogged entries will just have to wait for when I feel like uploading them.

Anyways, heres some exciting life updates... I'm not a failure! I have received many wonderful oppprtunities relating to my animation career this past semester, one of which came in the form of a potential job offer. I say potential because nothing is finalized, but the folks I met with seemed enthusiastic about my work and bringing me on board should openings arise. If everything works out I could be getting my foot in the door of the animation industry, and for a very exciting project that I'm passionate about no less. I always imagined my first animation job, if I'm lucky enough to have one, being for a random production I don't really resonate with but am happy to gain work experience through. If everything works out, my first animation job could be painting backgrounds for an exciting production that I'm honored to have my work be apart of. Though my current dreams no longer align with only career advancement, this is a childhood dream come true! I'm trying to keep my expectations low, hence my unsure wording, but everyone around me is excited for me, so this is a big deal I think.

Throughout middleschool and highschool I was wracked with anxiety about my future. Specifically about getting into my dream art school. I felt like I had to be drawing and studying every day so I can get skilled enough to be accepted. I was very passionate about art and animation, and the prospect of doing the thing I loved most everyday and being paid for it was like a dream. I thought getting into a top animation school would be the mpst sure way to accomplish that. Looking back I know now that theres more to life than drawing and working, and theres other paths besides artschool if you're intent on pursuing art as a career, but I don't regret my decision. I was deeply insecure about my work and really hard on myself too. Recently I looked back on some of my old sketchbooks and thought to myself: "why was I so hard on myself? I was improving so much". When I submitted my portfolio to my school I was deeply embarassed by the contents of it. I did my portfolio in the week before the deadline because I had been dreading the prospect of starting it and putting it off until the last second. For some reason I was afraid that I dashed my chances of working in animation because the industry professionals reviewing my portfolio would be put off by my obviously rushed portfolio and see it as a reflection of my poor work ethic LOL. So of course when I received my acceptance letter I was full of joy and disbelief.

I'm detailing this because I think its a good example of my poor self esteem in relation to my art lol, not much has changed even though I'm getting closer to achieving my goals. When preparing my portfolio to be viewed by studio representatives this past winter break, I was so embarassed by my work and irationally anxious over potentially ruining my chances of ever working in animation due to my poor portfolio to the point that I couldn't sleep for 3 straight days. Again, I was shocked when the reception to my work was positive and led me to receiving studio callbacks and a potential job offer.

As of writing this I feel pretty content. A lot of worry has been lifted from my shoulders. Throughout my past 3 years at school I've been really afraid that if I can't make this animation career work I'd have wasted my family's support and money and have nothing to show for it besides a heap of student loan debt. And guilt. a lot of guilt. But I'm gaining a little confidence and I think I can envision my future self being successful for once. I really wish I could go back to my kid self and tell her all the things she wants to achieve is more in her reach than she realizes, so she doesn't need to be so hard on herself. But I can't, so I guess I'll settle for telling my current self that instead. I feel like I'm a little less hard on myself. Maybe that will change but it feels nice right now.

Wow I rambled a lot! Sorry if that made absolutely no sense. I did not go into writing this entry with a plan. Its very much a stream of consciousness lol... I hope to update my art gallery and photo diary soon. I have some new pages in the works, mostly pertaining to my current hobbies. I got into dolls and doll customization, so I've sketched out a layout for a doll page. Just what I need, an expensive hobby... But job security is in my future so maybe I deserve an expensive hobby!